Connection Seeking Relationship Style What Does It Mean For You

Is your relationship style connection seeking?

If you have a connection-seeking attachment style it means that feeling close to your partner is of the utmost importance. You want and need your partner to be available to you a lot. You feel uncomfortable or even anxious when you sense distance between you. 

You are cognizant of your partner’s needs and work to ensure those needs are met. You might feel particularly hurt when it seems like your partner is not paying attention to your needs. You give a lot to your partner, investing time and energy into the relationship.

Your hidden desires

There are 3 hidden desires for the connection-seeking partner. It may be one that is true for you, or you may resonate with all 3. 

3 hidden desires for the connection relationship style:

1. Attunement: Attunement is when you are willing and able to understand the other person and how they feel. With attunement, the connection is brought to a deeper, more intimate level. You want your partner to see you, to “get you”,  

2. RomanceWhether it’s a thoughtful note or a gesture like breakfast in bed, you want to feel special. More than that, you want to feel like your partner views you as special. You want to feel worthy of your partner’s time and energy.  

3. To be needed: Individuals who seek connection in a relationship also want to know they are needed. If you have a connection-seeking style you want your partner to rely on you. You want your role in the relationship to be valued.  

Phrases that fulfill you: 

You want to hear words of admiration that make you feel wanted and chosen by your partner.

Statements you want to hear:

  •  “You are my special person.”
  • “I love you and admire you.”
  • “I really care about your feelings and needs.”

While hearing those words from your partner can go a long way, those messages can also be conveyed by actions. And for some people, showing instead of telling can be just as significant. 

The challenge with the connection seeking relationship style 

If you’re feeling hurt or frustrated in your relationship it’s usually because you are questioning the connection between you and your partner. More specifically, when you’re feeling upset in your relationship, those before-mentioned statements seem false to you. During an argument, you may even question if your partner truly loves you.  

Your connection-seeking relationship style can mean you’re hyperaware of the times when your partner misses the cues or can’t understand your needs. Even if this is more rare than common, you might focus on those one-offs, and they may linger in your mind. You want to feel seen by them.  

When you feel like your need for connection is unmet, you’re likely to reach out more. However, the response from your partner is ironically the opposite of what you’re seeking. Your partner will probably pull back from you. This cycle can go on and on unless we opt to do something about it. Fortunately, it’s possible to stop this dynamic from sabotaging your relationship.    

Develop autonomy 

There’s always room to grow, in all aspects of life. Your relationship is no different. Focusing on the desire opposite connection will help your relationship. The autonomy style is on the other end of the spectrum from the connection style. Autonomy is the freedom of self-determination. It’s independence. You can grow this in your relationship by learning to attend to your own feelings and finding confidence even when your partner is unavailable.  

How to love a partner with a connection seeking relationship style

Here are 6 tips for loving a partner with a connection style:

1. Inquire and really listen: Ask your partner about their day, and show them that you care about what they have to say. Resist the urge to talk about yourself.

2. Be available: Remove distractions and be present with your partner. Show them they are your priority by rejecting your phone and having uninterrupted time. 

3. Affirm with words: Validate your love by reminding your partner why they are so special to you.

4. Show affection: A kiss or a hug can go a long way. Make sure you express your love physically. 

5. Plan a special experience to share: Rock climbing, a dance class, a trip to an unfamiliar place - Do something new together.

6. Sit close, and use more eye contact: Let your partner feel you there, both physically and emotionally. Looking into their eyes, they will feel more connected to you. 

Taking the next step...

Most people have both a primary and secondary desire. Find out yours by taking this quiz. Your results will be emailed to you.  Make sure your partner also takes the quiz and you discuss the results together. You don’t have to settle for a relationship that’s just “okay”. Together you can uncover how to get the type of love you want and need. 

If you’re ready to fill in the gaps and have the connection you so desire, join one of our workshops. Our workshop will equip you with the tools you need to take your relationship to the next level.  Love can be simple. Your desires can be met! 

 You can learn about other relationship styles below:

Autonomy Seeking

Security Seeking

Adventure Seeking


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