What to Do When Wife No Longer Wants Intimacy?

You could pretend you don’t want to have sex either. But fooling yourself doesn’t help. You could get angry and resent her. But that approach will only cause her to shut down.

Why Do Wives Lose Interest in Intimacy?

You probably have your own ideas as to why she doesn’t want sex. However, the reason why your wife doesn’t want intimacy is probably more complicated than you think. Uncovering the why can lead to change.

Possible reasons a wife loses interest in intimacy:

• Emotional disconnect or unresolved conflict
• Mental health challenges (like depression or anxiety)
• Chronic stress or fatigue
• Medical issues and physical pain
• Issues surrounding body image or past trauma
• Feeling unappreciated or unheard in the relationship
• Hormonal conditions such as menopause, perimenopause, or thyroid issues
• Loss of libido due to medication

In addition to the personal reasons that may keep her from wanting sex, there may be issues surrounding the relationship and her feelings toward you.

Unresolved Relational Issues

Unaddressed tension or conflict can significantly impact your feelings toward your partner, which then manifests in the bedroom. To desire intimacy with your partner, you need to be in a state of attunement and vulnerability.

Discord, resentment, and other problems limit your ability to let your guard down and feel comfortable with your partner. Therefore, taking the time to address any challenges in other areas of your relationship can help increase the desire for intimacy.

How to Manage Your Wife’s Disinterest in Sex

If your wife isn’t interested in sex anymore, it’s best to approach the situation with compassion and curiosity.

Have an Honest Conversation

Start by addressing the issue in a gentle manner. For example, “I’ve noticed we haven’t had sex in a while. How do you feel about that?” Make it about how you feel. Avoid accusations or blaming her by saying things like, “You never want to have sex.” Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I miss feeling close to you,” or “I miss your body.”

Listen to what she has to say, without judgment. Ask questions to better understand her perspective. Provide validation. For example, “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

Turn Inward

Consider whether you’ve been contributing to an environment where she feels able to be vulnerable with you. Sex is the ultimate act of vulnerability. Have you been emotionally present? Here’s what being emotionally present looks like:

• Active Listening and Understanding
• Attunement
• Being fully present
• Offering support and encouragement

Ask yourself whether you’ve been showing your appreciation or taking her for granted. Consider your own behavior and mental state. For example, if you’ve been stressed, that energy can rub off on her. Self-improvement and getting yourself in a better state can help attract her.

Attend Couples Therapy

Talking about sex is difficult for many couples. A trained couples therapist can help moderate open, honest communication about sex and the underlying barriers. They can equip you with the tools to communicate effectively, with empathy, and not avoid tough conversations in the future. A therapist can provide guidance on rebuilding closeness, both emotionally and physically. They can help you identify patterns that weaken your intimate connection.

You may find that uncovering the roots through couples therapy is enough to bring back the physical intimacy. For some couples, sex therapy is necessary to address specific issues.

Prioritize Non-Sexual Intimacy

Believe it or not, physical intimacy is not the only type of intimacy. In fact, there are a few types, with emotional intimacy being a strong, significant predictor of a healthy relationship. As a bonus, emotional intimacy can lead to physical intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are interconnected. Emotional intimacy is built on trust, vulnerability, and open communication, and creates a safe space for physical intimacy to thrive.

Emotional intimacy is:

• Feeling safe within your relationship
• An abundance of physical affection and warmth
• Feeling that you know each other on a deep, meaningful level
• A sense of fun, playfulness, and shared humor
• A willingness to communicate and share your inner worlds

If there’s a lack of emotional intimacy, there’s an obvious disconnect between partners. While emotional intimacy is not necessary for physical intimacy, it helps to feel more comfortable being vulnerable. That vulnerability can lead to more enjoyable sexual experiences.

What Does Emotional Intimacy Look Like?

• Meaningful conversations: This means having vulnerable talks with emotion and honesty.
• Curiosity and interest in the other person: Ask them questions about their opinions, feelings, and experiences.
• Empathy: Validate your partner’s feelings and give them emotional support through active listening.

How to Increase Emotional Intimacy:

• Work on improving trust: Follow through on the little things. Make good on your promises. Show your partner they can rely on you. Be consistent.
• Show appreciation: Express gratitude for the small things your partner does. You can show them your gratitude with your words, messages, or gifts. A simple “thank you for…” or “I appreciate you…” can go a long way.
• Be curious: Ask questions to find out how they feel and why. Resist judgment.

Understand Her Sex Drive

Most people tend to think sex drives come in “high”, “medium”, or “low”. But it’s more complex than that. There are certain types of sex drives that contribute to having a lower libido.

Contextual Sex Drive

With a contextual sex drive, sex is highly dependent on circumstances, such as feeling safe, respected, or emotionally connected. The person could feel stimulated, but if the environment and circumstances aren’t sufficient, their sexual desire remains blocked.

Emotional Sex Drive

Someone with an emotional sex drive is sexually motivated by an emotional connection. With an emotional sex drive, you may not feel sexual attraction unless an emotional connection is there. This bond could involve feelings of love or a deep sense of intimacy.

People who identify as demisexual have an emotional sex drive (though you can have an emotional sex drive without being demisexual).

What Does it Mean When Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy?

For some people, especially women, they are less likely to initiate simply because of how they’ve learned about and experienced desire. It might not be a lack of interest, but rather about their comfort level, personality, or habits formed over time. ​​Many women grow up receiving certain messages about desire that made initiating feel uncomfortable, or even wrong. This is partricularly common for those who grew up in certain religions.

And for some women, it’s more connected to their personality. They might just prefer to be responsive rather than initiatory.

Responsive Sex Drive

This type of desire comes about in response to arousal, pleasurable stimuli, or something sexually relevant. It’s more common in women and in long-term relationships. If she doesn’t initiate but will usually respond to their partner’s advances, they may have a responsive sex drive.

Those with a resppsnive sex drive are not disinterested in sex, but wait for the other person. If this dynamic is upsetting to you, talk to your partner about it. Have a conversation based in curiosity, not blame. “I’ve noticed I tend to be the one to initiate. How do you feel about that?” If you don’t always want to be the initiator, let her know. Tell her how you feel. For example, “I feel like your dont want me.” Ask how you can make her feel comfortable enough to initiate. Remind her that you want it to be about mutual pleasure.