Dealing with Microaggressions in Relationships

You may have heard about microaggressions occurring in the workplace. You may have even had a training on how to prevent them. Microaggressions can occur in your romantic relationship just as much as they occur outside of your home. Though seemingly minor infractions, microaggressions can corrode a relationship over time. 

Dealing with Microaggressions in Relationships

What is a Microaggression?

Microaggressions refer to subtle, everyday exchanges and behaviors that communicate derogatory or hostile messages. These interactions can be verbal or nonverbal and are embedded in prejudices, stereotypes, or biases.

Microaggressions are small but mighty comments or gestures that feed into stereotypes or negative assumptions created around oppressed or marginalized groups of people. Microaggressions could be focused on a person’s race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or disability. 

In general, they are harmful words or actions that communicate people’s biases against specific groups of people. Microaggressions stem from a combination of implicit bias, societal norms, and the carrying of harmful stereotypes. 

Despite the “micro” in the name, microaggressions carry a big punch, especially when they are delivered by a loved one. Constant microaggressions have been proven to take a toll on one’s mental and physical health. As for relationships, microaggressions harm trust, the building block of a successful relationship.

What are the Main Types of Microaggressions?

Microaggressions can show up in endless ways.The three most common forms of microaggressions include the following:

Microassault

 A microassault is the most direct type of microaggression. They are usually intentional with the person knowingly causing harm. They are often framed as a joke. 

Example: Using a derogatory comment to describe someone’s race. 

Microinsult:

Microinsults are more subtle. They are more often done unconsciously. It may be a well-meaning comment with underlying meaning. 

Example: “Wow, you’re good at this for a woman.”

Microinvalidation:

Comments or behaviors that dismiss, minimize, or negate someone’s feelings, identity, or experience. They can follow a microassault or microinsult by telling the person they are overreacting or being too sensitive. 

Example: “Just get over it.”

What Do Microagressions Target?

Microaggressions tend to target aspects of a person’s identity. The focus is typically on the parts that are marginalized, misunderstood, or stereotyped in society. Microaggressions can be directed toward a wide range of social identity groups, including: 

• Racial
• Gender 
• Sexuality
• Ability
• Language
• Education
• Culture
• Ethnicity
• Class
• Religion
• Age

Microaggressions in Relationships

Microaggressions show up in relationships as small, often unconscious comments, actions, or behaviors that minimize, dismiss, or invalidate a partner’s feelings, needs, or identity.

 These are some common forms of microaggressions that show up in relationships:

Dismissive Responses

• Example: Saying, “You’re overreacting,”  or eye-rolling when your partner shares a concern.
• Impact: Makes the partner feel unseen or invalidated, decreasing emotional safety.
  

Minimizing or Comparing Pain

• Example: “You’re lucky it’s not…” or comparing your partner’s stress to your own to downplay it and shift focus to you.
  
• Impact: Tells them that their feelings aren’t worthy.

Teasing/Joking Put-Downs

• Examples: Being sarcastic or making jokes about a partner’s intelligence, body, or behavior, especially in front of others.
  
• Impact: Resentment can grow and self-esteem is damaged.

Interrupting/Talking Over

• Example: Cutting your partner off before they finish and assuming you know what they’re going to say.
  
• Impact: Demonstrates a control issue and power imbalance and shows disrespect.

Unfair/Unequal Expectations

• Examples: Expecting one partner to always handle chores, childcare, or planning without acknowledgment.
  
• Impact: Reinforces inequality and disrespect. This can lead to burnout, bitterness, and resentment.

Undermining Identity

• Examples: Dismissing cultural, religious, or personal values. Saying, “That’s silly” or “Why do you do need to do that?”
  
• Impact: The partner can feel lonely or unsupported in core aspects of who they are.

Withholding Affection or Attention

• Example: Ignoring their partner’s texts, shrugging off their touch, or remaining on the phone instead of engaging with them.
  
• Impact: Furthers disconnection and communicates neglect and disrespect.

What is an Example of a Microaggression in a Relationship?

Microaggressions are different from a rude comment. Simple rudeness is typically directed at an individual's specific actions or personality. A microaggression on the other hand attacks a person's identity. Sometimes microaggressions are delivered with what that person thinks are good intentions. Therefore, they are not always intentional ways to hurt someone. 

What makes them so powerful is that they are reflections of a person’s worldview and a manifestation of power. So, whether or not they are trying to hurt their partner, a microaggression can cause that person to feel deeply upset because of the subtle yet powerful message they conveyed. 

Specific Example of a Microaggression in a Relationship:

Partner A is non-white. Partner A gets home from work and tells Partner B that during a meeting, someone kept commenting on their accent and made a joke about it being hard to understand. 

Partner A: “It was pretty uncomfortable. I felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously when I presented, like people were distracted.” 

Partner B: “Oh, I’m sure they weren’t trying to offend you. It’s not a big deal. What should we do for dinner?”

Why This Is a Microaggression:

It dismisses racialized experiences and makes the issue about Partner A’s sensitivity rather than addressing the racial bias. Partner B’s response implies Partner A’s lived experience isn’t valid.

Long Term Impact:

 If this pattern repeats, Partner A will eventually stop sharing their racial experiences. Trust can weaken, and distance can grow. Partner A may begin to feel emotionally unsafe.

How to Repair the Microaggression:

Instead of dismissing their partner, Partner B could show support and offer validation: “I’m sorry you went through that. That is not okay. Do you want to talk more about what happened?” Invite them to open up more. Ask, “How can I help?” This shows solidarity and willingness to understand. Trust is strengthened by focusing on Partner A’s perspective.

What are the Long-Term Effects of Relationship Microaggressions?

Erosion of Trust & Safety: Microaggressions can continue to grow, making a partner feel unsafe opening up and being vulnerable.

Resentment Build-Up: The little things pile up, leading to an explosive fight in the future.

Emotional Withdrawal: The partner on the receiving end may withdraw or detach emotionally.

Communication Breakdown: Conversations start to feel tense, surface-level, or they may be avoided completely.

Relationship Loneliness: Even when physically together, one or both partners feel isolated unseen, or misunderstood.

How to Deal with Microaggressions in Relationships

How you manage the aftermath of a microaggression is the difference between whether it turns into something bigger. Repairing after a microaggression is about accountability and the willingness to learn and change. If done right, the aftermath of a microaggression can actually strengthen intimacy. This causes your partner to feel heard, respected, and safe.

1. Before responding defensively, take a pause. 
2. Acknowledge the harm. Ask yourself what you said or did to dismiss or stereotype your partner. 
3.  Validate your partner’s experience. Make sure they know that their feelings matter. “I can see why that would be hurtful.”
4. Take responsibility. Say I’m sorry without making excuses. 
5. Offer repair in action. Ask, “Can I try again?”
6. Commit to learning. Educate yourself on that part of their identity (race, culture, sexuality, or other) 

How to Prevent Microaggressions

Check your assumptions, show empathy, and try not to get defensive if someone calls you out. Truly listen and ask questions to make sure you understand. 

Most people have inherent biases, of some degree. The best way to manage those is to confront them. Examine your own beliefs and assumptions about different groups of people. Learn about diverse cultures, identities, and experiences to broaden your understanding. Understand the impact of what might be a small commnet. Remember that even unintentional actions can have negative impacts on others. Think before you speak and choose your words mindfully. 

If your on the receiving end of a microaggression from your partner, make them aware of the hurt they’ve caused. They may genuinely be unaware. Bringing it to light can help them learn and thus be less likely to make the same mistake in the future. Calmly let them know how their words made you feel.