Emotional Labor in Relationships

Relationships Take Work

Successful long-term relationships require effort. As much as we’d like to think that it only takes finding the right person, or  “as long as there’s love,” it’ll work itself out, but it’s simply not true. Relationships are not passive. They have to be constantly cared for. Those couples that make it look easy or natural are putting in the effort. 

The idea that relationships take work is often misconstrued as a belief that relationships are bound for conflict. However, the concept of “work” within a relationship means that partners remain thoughtful and intentional about communicating and behaving in ways that maintain emotional intimacy and closeness. 

This “work” is a good thing. It means you’re invested. It means you value maintaining a strong connection with your partner. However, it becomes a problem when the effort is unbalanced. If one partner consistently puts in more effort than the other, emotional exhaustion can occur. 

What is Emotional Labor?

Emotional labor is the unseen work of managing the emotions, reactions, and needs of others, as well as your own. When the balance of that effort is unequal, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and ever-increasing emotional distance.

The term “emotional labor” was first used by sociologist Arlie Hochschild to describe the invisible work that employees do to keep customers happy. Later, relationship therapists adopted the term to be applied to both platonic and romantic relationships. Relationship experts define emotional labor as any effort a person puts in to regulate their feelings in order to please their partner.

While anyone can take on emotional labor, studies show that women, especially in heterosexual relationships, often end up carrying the burden. Emotional labor is associated with “people-pleasing,” a behavior found to be more common in men than women.  

Emotional labor can exist within any type of dynamic, though it is most common in romantic relationships or marriages. Emotional labor in romantic partnerships encompasses a wide range of responsibilities, from offering support during difficult times to remembering important dates, parenting, and household tasks. 

Effort Vs. Emotional Labor 

While effort and emotional labor are sometimes used interchangeably in relationships, they are separate concepts. 

“Effort” in a romantic relationship refers to the intentional actions you take to nurture the relationship and show care for your partner. Effort is typically visible. 

Emotional labor, on the other hand, refers to the support, care, or comfort we give to our partner, sometimes at the expense of our own well-being. Emotional labor is behind-the-scenes work, so it tends to go unrecognized and is therefore underappreciated.  

Relationship Scenario Illustrating Effort vs. Emotional Labor 
Your partner comes home from work and explains how it was a stressful day for them. 

Example of effort in a relationship: You decide to make dinner so they can relax. After dinner, you put on their favorite show and rub their back.  

Example of emotional labor in a relationship: You listen intently as your partner vents about their day, asking questions and offering validation. Even though you had a tough day, you decide not to bring it up.  You’re feeling upset about something that happened, but you choose to regulate your emotions and ensure your partner feels better. 

Is Emotional Labor Harming Your Relationship?

Signs of Emotional Labor Imbalance:

• Emotional support is unbalanced: You are constantly listening to, comforting, or encouraging your partner, but they hardly ever ask how you’re doing. When you do share your struggles, you don’t feel supported by them. 
• You are carrying the “mental load”: In addition to tangible tasks like groceries, bills, kids, laundry, and meals,  you’re also the one anticipating needs. It’s on you to remember to buy gifts, check in with in-laws, or keep track of family milestones. Your partner says they want to help, but only if you ask them directly and with detailed instructions. This extra work adds to your mental load. 
• You feel unseen: There is little (or no) recognition or appreciation for the emotional support you regularly provide. 
• You are the problem solver: You’re the one who always notices and addresses tension or unresolved issues. You suggest ways to improve connection or communication through therapy, books, or other ways, while you’re partner avoids or is disengaged from growth efforts. 
• You feel resentful: The relationship feels one-sided, leaving you drained, frustrated, and/or angry. It has begun to feel like work more times than not. You’re starting to feel like a caretaker rather than a partner. 
• You suppress your own needs: You often allow your wants, needs, and desires to fall by the wayside, feeling there is no room for them. You take responsibility for keeping the peace, smoothing over conflicts, and managing your partner’s moods.
• You feel mentally exhausted: The work of having to care for others’ needs above your own leaves you feeling depleted. Even small interactions with your partner can sometimes leave you feeling emotionally drained. This makes you not want to spend time with them.  

Steps to Balance Emotional Labor in Relationships

The antidote to emotional labor is emotional accountability. 

Address the Issue

Bring it up without making it an attack on them, where you unleash your pent-up frustration. Instead, try using “I” statements, saying something like: “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately because I’m doing a lot of the emotional work in our relationship.” or “I feel drained when I’m the only one managing the household and maintaining family check-ins.”Be specific about what feels imbalanced, and avoid labeling your partner as “lazy” or “uncaring.”

Make Emotional Labor Visible

Some couples find it helpful to write down tasks on a board or spreadsheet. This allows your partner to see what you do and can also give you a sense of validation. When making your load visible, include both practical tasks (grocery shopping, paying bills) and emotional tasks (initiating difficult conversations, remembering birthdays, supporting each other’s feelings).

Divvy Up Responsibilities with Intention 

Discuss dividing the mental load in the same way you would divide and assign chores. Together, decide who handles what, including emotional work. Assign rotating responsibilities if helpful. For example, one partner manages planning date nights, the other handles check-ins. Allow these tasks to change over time. Follow up in a timely manner to determine if any changes are necessary. 

Try Couples Therapy

If resentment has built up over time or the conversation with your partner hasn’t gone anywhere, couples therapy can help. Meeting with a trained and experienced professional provides a safe, neutral space where you can understand each other better, build empathy, and learn new communication skills.