How to Maintain a Strong Relationship After Having Kids

Having kids can deepen your connection and bring you closer together, or it can create a divide that causes you to drift apart. Which way you go depends on whether both of you are open to change and constant, open communication.

There’s a common belief that having kids means your relationship will suffer significantly, and that there’s truly not much to do about it, except wait until the kids are older.

During the newborn stage, there’s sleep deprivation, stress about keeping a vulnerable little human alive, and physical body pains for the mother, and that’s just a sprinkling of what’s going on. In other words, it’s survival mode. Your focus is on this new child. Beyond the newborn stage, your focus remains on your child until… forever. So you can either wait for forever to come or you can decide to make room for your relationship with your partner.

Why Do Relationships Struggle After Kids?

Once a kid enters the scene, you’re no longer just a couple. Your time is divided. Your responsibilities have multiplied. Quality time with your partner becomes more sparse. Even when you do have that elusive alone time, you might feel too exhausted to do much at all. Given this, it’s no surprise that many couples find their relationship struggling after kids.

Lack of Communication

Misunderstandings, unfair expectations, and assumptions are more common after having kids. Exhaustion, a shift in focus, and a lack of free time all lead to less meaningful conversations. There are fewer check-ins with your partner, opportunities where you’d assess each other’s needs. As a result, you assume your partner can read your mind when it comes to knowing what you need. Frustration sets in. The disconnection can cause you to ask for help less.

Mental Health Issues

Mental health issues are common after the birth of a child. Postnatal depression affects around one in four mothers and one in ten fathers. Depression and anxiety can seriously impact communication, emotional availability, and the overall connection between partners.

Sleep Deprivation

Sleep deprivation, or perpetual tiredness, often occurs when raising young kids and contributes to mood swings, irritability, and poor decision-making. When you’re chronically exhausted, it’s hard to be patient, empathetic, or affectionate towards your partner.

Shifting Identity

Becoming a parent often means grappling with a new identity and adjusting to an unfamiliar role. You may feel lost, unsure, or overwhelmed. For some, this massive shift can trigger a mental health condition.

Unfair Load of Responsibilities

Relationships can struggle after having a child because one partner may feel like they carry the bulk of the responsibilities. If one partner feels overwhelmed, unappreciated, or taken for granted, it can lead to resentment. If this imbalance isn’t addressed and resolved, resentment is likely to grow.

The resentment that one person harbors may not be openly expressed but instead manifests as passive-aggressive behavior, withdrawal, or constant conflict over small things, all of which cover the deeper issues.

How Can Having Kids Benefit Your Relationship?

The truth is that having kids can actually deepen your connection. Yes, it can cause more conflict, stress, and less time for intimacy, but it can also make you see your partner in a different, more beautiful light.

Some key benefits of having kids in your relationship:

• Shared sense of purpose that bonds you closer
• Opportunity to share how each person was parented and develop a deeper understanding of each other
• Coming together as teammates for the ultimate goal, raising a child
• Watching your partner as a parent can cause you to appreciate them in new ways
• Becoming a parent can contribute to one’s maturity and self-growth. In turn, this can grow and strengthen the relationship.
• Creating special memories, moments, and traditions as a family can foster a deeper emotional connection between the couple.
• Parenting can enhance long-term commitment, as couples become more invested not only in their children but in each other and the life they are building as a family.

How to Rebuild Your Relationship after Kids

It is normal for things to be more challenging at first as you adjust to your new family dynamic. However, your relationship doesn't have to go downhill. It is possible to maintain a strong relationship with your partner after having kids.

Share Responsibilities

Division of labor is one of the most common topics that couples argue over, and that’s true even without kids. If one person is carrying more weight, they will become burnt out and possibly resentful. Clarifying what constitutes a responsibility or labor can be somewhat complicated. It’s not as straightforward as dividing up concrete tasks, such as laundry, shopping, or cooking. You’ll need to consider anything that occupies your mental space. These are invisible tasks, such as planning an event or keeping track of spending. Consider the stress of being a stay-at-home parent as well as the stress of being the breadwinner.

It goes without saying that you’ll need to have more than one conversation. First, about what all the different responsibilities are – the invisible, mental load, and the more obvious tasks. After you’ve taken inventory, you’ll then want to discuss which responsibilities are heavier and come with the most stress. After that, you can see if there’s an imbalance and discuss ways to make things more equitable. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50. When dividing, consider energy levels, schedules, and strengths.

Play For The Same Team

Stop tallying up and keeping score. Lose the competitive edge with your partner. You’re not adversaries, but allies. Shift your mindset from “me vs you” to “us vs. x,y, or z problem”. Adopting a “same team mentality” means that you’re willing to work together, even in conflict. It means realizing that you both want the same team, and you can get there together.

If you play for the same time, when conflict arises, you avoid blame. You’re able to reframe the issue from “You never help at bedtime” to “We’re both tired. How can we make evenings easier for both of us?”

Carve Out Time To Be a Couple

Don’t wait for free time for you and your partner to magically appear. Be proactive. Figure out where you can fit in some quality time to spend together. Add it to your calendar like you would any other important event, and make it non-negotiable.

It doesn’t have to be a long time. Even twenty minutes is significant. For example, at 8 pm, you put away distractions and have a check-in where you catch each other up on your day, how you’re feeling, and what you can work on together.

It might not be as sexy as spontaneous sex, but planned sex is better than no sex. Scheduling it out will ensure it actually happens.

Go on Dates That Work For You

If you can get a babysitter and leave the house, do that! Get out of your everyday routine and do something different together. Or, simply just be together. Sometimes date night is running errands together, and that’s okay. It’s about spending quality time.

Getting out of the house as a couple without kids may prove too tricky at this time in your life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still go on dates. You can have a date at home. Don’t have the kids be your main topic of conversation.

Home date night ideas:

Get dressed up and enjoy candlelit take-out.

Have a game night

Do an online cooking class

Go on “Micro Dates”. These are small windows of time where you can reconnect. It looks like a few minutes (with or without the kids) where you have an adult conversation or a 2-minute snuggle on the couch.

Insert Physical Touch

A little can go a long way when it comes to physical touch. Start and end your day with touch. Whether it’s a cuddle in bed or a good morning/goodnight kiss, small, regular gestures help keep you connected. When you’re reunited, whether after a day at work or an hour apart, greet each other with a hug.

Find ways to insert physical touch throughout the day. A squeeze on the shoulder as you pass each other in the kitchen. Hold hands in the car, and touch their leg on the couch. Physical affection doesn’t need to be saved for when it’s just the two of you. Be affectionate around your kids. Show them what a loving relationship looks like.

Be Honest About Your Needs and Feelings

Tell your partner if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Share the mental load with them. Ask for help, and be specific about what you need. When describing your needs, do so without blame. Naming what you want reduces resentment and increases connection. When both partners feel heard, it becomes easier to work as a team rather than feeling like you're operating independently.

Give Each Other A Break

Give each other the gift of time to spend as you choose. Don’t feel guilty about needing time for yourself. You cannot be a good parent or a good partner if you’re constantly feeling depleted. Tell you’re partner you need some alone time. Plan it out and make it a regular occurrence for rest, exercise, or any other form of self-care.

Return the favor. Tell your partner you’re on kid duty while they go for a walk, lie in bed, or do whatever they please.

Come Up With Boundaries That Support Your Relationship

Agree on rules that both of you feel good about and that will bring you closer together. For example, after the kids are in bed, you spend time together. That means no work. No cleaning. If there are dishes in the sink, you do them together or leave them for tomorrow.

Create Your Own Rituals

Come up with something that you will do with your partner on a routine basis. Go on evening walks around the block with the stroller or while the kids ride their bikes. Wake up before the kids do and share the silence and a coffee together.

Get Help From a Trained Counselor or Therapist

Despite the common belief, couples therapy is not just for couples in crisis. Think of therapy as a means to explore new ways to connect with each other.. Your relationship and life have undergone significant changes, so you may need help adjusting to these changes. An experienced counselor helps you normalize and talk about your feelings. They can help you understand the impact of parenthood on your relationship.

It’s not uncommon for couples to fight more after having kids; this isn’t because they’ve lost love for each other, but because tension is higher. A therapist can teach you practical tools, such as active listening, non-defensive speaking, and how to express your needs without blame.