Can a Codependent Relationship be Fixed?

What could be bad about giving? The answer is over-giving. That can be seen in codependent relationships. Codependency can be described as “harmful helping”.

What Does Being in a ‘Codependent Relationship' Mean?

Codependency is a relationship pattern in which one person is extremely reliant on the other person. This reliance may be emotional, psychological, or both. The dependence may stem from an inherent need to care for others or out of fear of being abandoned or alone.

Codependency is a dysfunctional dance between partners where each assumes a role. In this dynamic, one person can be labeled as “the giver” while the other is referred to as “the taker”.

One reason codependency is seen as negative is that it robs both people of something. The giver is robbed of their own needs, and the taker is robbed of responsibility for their own actions and freedom of choice.

The Giver

The giver’s focus is primarily on the other person. Their intense commitment is often at the expense of their own needs. The giver sees their self-worth as being tied to their ability to be needed and to fulfill the needs of their partner.

Common characteristics of the giver include:

• Over-committing
• Self-sacrificing
• Lack boundaries
• Need to be needed

The Taker

The taker on the other hand tends to be a combination of needy, under-functioning, immature, troubled or addicted. The taker relies heavily on the giver (their partner) to an extent that tends to be emotionally, mentally, and/or physically demanding. Whether or not they are trying to take advantage of their partner, their behavior reinforces the giver’s need to give.

Common characteristics of the taker include:

• Manipulative
• Emotionally dependent
• Needy
• Lack responsibility

Codependent Scenario

Sam is a kind and caring person who loves helping others, but in her relationship with Jon, the helping is beyond healthy. Sam has a hard time saying “no” to Jon and when he asks for favors, she will drop everything and add it to her already busy plate. This can mean ditching plans with friends and ignoring her exhaustion. She feels a deep sense of purpose in her relationship with Jon and also worries he will leave her if she doesn’t keep him happy.

Jon is not a bad person but he struggles with anxiety. Little things make him worried so he will ask Sam to do them for him. He has a hard time making decisions - big or small and looks to Sam to help him.

Jon turns to Sam whenever he needs support, which is constant. He expects Sam to make him feel better when feeling sad, scared, or worried.

In this scenario, both partners are stuck - each needing the other to fulfill unhealthy needs that are better served on their own.

Signs of Codependency

A codependent relationship is marked by a significant imbalance where one person enables the other’s harmful behavior.

Examples of what codependency looks like, according to the Gottman Institute:

• Blurred boundaries between you and your partner
• Having a difficult time honoring your own needs and feelings
• Taking too much responsibility for what someone else does (attempts to cover up or fix your partner’s mistakes)
• Having your mood, and emotions be tied to your partner’s
• Giving up your fundamental needs and seeing it as a concession
• Feeling angry or resentful after giving up your core needs
• Focusing on your partner’s problems more than your own
• Complaining and threatening to leave the unhealthy relationship but instead staying and trying to control the situation and your partner
• Pressuring your partner to take steps in a relationship they are not ready for (moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc.)

How to Stop Being Codependent in Your Relationship

On order to create a more balanced relationship, both individuals need to work on understanding and addressing the root causes of their codependency. The goal is to turn the relationship into one that’s based on mutual respect, interdependence, and shared responsibility. Here are 9 ways to create a more equal “give-and-take” in the relationship:

1. Be Self-Aware

The first step away from codependency is acknowledging your role in it. Both partners need to recognize their role, whether it’s enabling, rescuing, or neglecting personal needs. It’s important to name the problem for what it is.

2. Work on Interdependency

Interdependence (or interdependency) in a relationship is a balance between emotional intimacy and autonomy. When there is interdependence, each person:

• Values their emotional bond
• Maintains a sense of self
• Meets each other's needs
• Respects each other
• Communicates effectively
• Shares responsibility for the relationship's success

In an interdependent relationship, there is a healthy balance of self and partner. Interdependency means there is compromise. Support, encouragement, and help go both ways.

You can improve interdependence by:

• Turning inward: What are your needs and your strengths? What about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities?
• Having open and honest communication: Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Allow them to ask questions. Keep space for their thoughts and feelings.
• Cultivate mutual growth: Encourage and support each other. Challenge other in a positive way. Your partner should make you want to be a better version of yourself.

3. Value Reciprocity

In a relationship, reciprocity is the act of balancing giving and receiving. Reciprocity supports a healthy relationship that is mutually beneficial to both parties. There is no standard to be followed for this. It’s up to the couple to find a good balance of give-and-take.

Examples of reciprocity in a relationship include:

• Celebrating each other’s achievements
• Providing emotional support when the other person is stressed
• Sharing household duties

4. Build Other Relationships

Your partner should not and cannot be your everything. Try to decrease dependency by spreading your attention to other people in your life. This goes for both people. If you are the giver, you should invest in other relationships with friends and family outside of your partner. If you are the taker, you should also expand outward and increase the amount of people that you spend time with. External relationships can provide clarity and you increase the strength of the relationship with your partner.

5. Take Care of You

It is not at all selfish to do things for you. Accepting that fact is part of building self-compassion, and loving yourself. Low self-esteem that’s connected to your partner is often the root of codependency. Treat yourself with kindness and give yourself grace.

Invest in your physical, mental, and emotional health. When you take care of your own needs, you can offer more to others. Not to mention, you will be happier! Recognize what remains unfulfilled in the relationship. Respectfully let your partner know how they can help. It can be difficult for your partner to meet your needs when they don’t know what they are.

6. Create and Maintain Boundaries

Learn to set physical, emotional, and mental boundaries with your partner. Set limits to what you will accept from your partner. If your partner pressures you to cross a boundary, accept that you cannot and will not do that because it doesn’t serve you well. If your partner attempts to cross a boundary, hold them accountable.

Your boundaries should reflect your values. Boundaries will vary depending on the individual and the relationship. Boundaries can pertain to time, physical space, emotional space, material possessions, and sexual intimacy.

7. Cultivate Self-Identity and Independence

It’s important to pursue your own hobbies and interests. Embracing separate hobbies and interests allows partners to maintain their independence while bringing fulfillment into the relationship. Make time for healthy habits like seeing friends and going to the gym.

You should never have to hide the parts of yourself when in a relationship. Staying true to your authentic self also means continuing to pursue the things that bring you joy, regardless of being in a relationship.

8. Improve Communication

Good communication improves a relationship in so many ways. It’s often taken for granted because we think that talking is communicating but it’s much more than that.

Ways to improve communication:

• Use “I statements”: When in conflict, avoid starting sentences with “You…”. This can make your partner feel defensive as if you’re pointing a finger. Instead, try “I feel __ when (partner’s behavior)”.
• Be mindful of your body language: We can say a lot without words. Pay attention to your posture, positioning, and facial expression.
• Take their perspective: Try to see your partner’s side. This helps increase empathy and helps you understand their world.

9. Get Support Through Therapy

Recognizing that change is necessary is the first feat. Moving beyond that and taking action is more difficult. Seeking outside help is a sign of strength. It also means that you are dedicated to healing codependency. Why? Because you want the relationship to last, and be fulfilling for both individuals.

The Couples Center has therapists who can work with you and your significant other to build a healthier and happier partnership. Most important, is the relationship you have with yourself. This helps determine how your relationships with others will be.

Codependency can lower your self-worth and can have you completely ignoring your needs. On the other end, it might mean you haven’t looked yourself in the mirror or asked yourself what you really want. Your self-agency may be lacking. One-on-one therapy with an experienced clinician can help you find yourself and give you the tools to treat yourself the way you deserve.