What Makes a Successful Marriage?

What Makes a Successful Marriage

Successful marriages are not without conflict. They are by no means “perfect”. So, what makes a “successful” marriage? What constitutes success? First, let’s review the components of a healthy marriage. 

Successful marriages have the following:

• Emotional Responsiveness 
• Friendship
• Effective communication and conflict resolution skills
• Strong mutual commitment 
• Secure attachment 
• Fulfilling intimate connection
• Shared spirituality or values

Emotional Responsiveness

If there had to be only one thing for couples to focus on, it would be emotional responsiveness. This is considered the single strongest predictor of marriage success. Emotional responsiveness means consistently responding to each other’s emotional needs, particularly in the little, everyday moments.

What Emotional Responsiveness Looks Like

Responding to your partner’s bids for connection:
Dr. John Gottman conducted decades-long research where he observed couples’ emotional bids – small attempts to engage emotionally. Gottman found that couples who regularly ignored, dismissed, or rejected the bids were more likely to divorce. Even if the couples had other strong aspects in their relationship – good communication, low conflict, immense love for one another. If the bids for connection were not properly responded to, the rest didn’t matter. 

Respond to your partner in ways that say, “I see you” and “You matter to me.”

When Emotional Responsiveness is Absent

From the outside, a marriage that lacks emotional responsiveness can appear totally fine, even happy. However, relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson’s research found that without it, relationships are sure to deteriorate. This is because repeatedly missed bids for connection erode trust and emotional safety more than frequent fighting does. Without emotional responsiveness, couples stop being vulnerable. Intimacy is replaced with insecurity.

Friendship 

Relationship experts like John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, agree that a strong friendship is the core of a successful marriage. Couples who feel seen and understood experience more trust, security, and intimacy. They’re also less likely to handle conflict in unhealthy ways because they assume good intent from their partner. Friendship means partners feel like allies, so when things get hard, they are committed and resilient in getting through the problem together.

What a Strong Marital Friendship Looks Like

Couples with a strong friendship truly know each other and are familiar with each other’s inner worlds. They remain curious about their partner and never stop asking questions to learn more about them. Friendship means you genuinely like each other, want to spend time together, and engage in playfulness and humor. They care about each other’s goals and dreams, supporting each other even when they differ.

When Friendship is Absent 

When there is no friendship in the marriage, partners can feel lonely and disconnected. Feeling liked is critical to emotional safety. When there is love without “like,” it can feel cold, empty, or even obligatory.

Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution

When it comes to communication and conflict resolution, it’s not about achieving perfection. It’s about maintaining an emotional connection during conflict. Good communication and conflict skills are so important because couples are able to grow together even after fighting. Without these skills, couples drift further apart and build resentment.

What Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution Look Like

Married couples with these skills talk to each other in a way that keeps the relationship safe. They discuss feelings and needs. They avoid blame and character flaws and refrain from using contempt. These couples don’t focus on winning the argument; they listen to understand. Emotions are managed, and if the conversation becomes unproductive, they take breaks. Good conflict resolution means taking responsibility and making repairs so that the conflict ends on a good note.

Without Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

When there is a lack of communication and conflict resolution skills, everything becomes harder than it has to be. Small things can become much bigger problems simply because of poor communication. Issues are left unresolved. They compound, and the relationship becomes overwhelmed by issues, misunderstandings, and hurts.

Strong Mutual Commitment 

Commitment isn’t just about staying together, avoiding divorce. Commitment means choosing your relationship even when it’s hard. Relationships ebb and flow. They experience both smooth sailing and difficult seasons. Partners need to show up during those hard times, and not just when things are good. Research shows that during difficult times, successful couples treat hardship as a shared problem rather than an issue for one person. Strong, mutual commitment can protect against infidelity and emotional withdrawal as well as defensiveness and power struggles.

What Strong Mutual Commitment Looks Like 

Commitment is about facing the challenge as a team. In a successful marriage, partners offer support through hardship, despite their own frustration. And even when the issues feel insurmountable, partners don’t threaten to give up. Instead, decisions are made in ways that will protect the relationship’s future.  They work through challenges without threatening or having “one foot out the door”.

Commitment means maintaining a “we” mindset and being on the same team no matter what. It is doing things every single day that protect and nurture your connection. 

Without Strong Mutual Commitment 

Marriages without a strong mutual commitment fall apart slowly, over time. Without full investment in the relationship, one partner (or both) has a foot out the door. The other partner may see that their commitment is conditional and then pull back to protect themself. 

Without full commitment from both people, there is a serious imbalance in the relationship labor. One person is carrying the weight of two to keep things going. They eventually feel burnt out and resentful. Any time there is conflict, it’s high stakes. A lack of mutual commitment means that any hard time could be the end of the relationship. Relationships like these lack security and emotional safety. 

Secure Attachment 

Secure attachment is one of the strongest predictors of long-term marital satisfaction. Secure attachment means you're there for your partner when they need you, and vice versa. Secure attachment allows partners to feel safe expressing emotions. It increases closeness.

What Secure Attachment Looks Like 

Securely attached couples feel safe with each other, even during times of high stress. When partners are securely attached, they are emotionally accessible to one another. That means they are emotionally present and responsive. They don’t withdraw or shut down during conflict. Distress is met with empathy, and partners comfort one another. 

Partners serve as a “safe haven” and “secure base”, rather than a crutch or enabler. Secured partners are each other’s primary support, but they are not each other’s only support.  Securely attached partners have other people in their lives to connect with. They understand that their partner has strengths and weaknesses. They understand that their partner cannot meet every single emotional need, all the time. 

Without Secure Attachment

• The marriage has a pursue–withdraw cycle, where one partner seeks closeness while the other retreats 
• Partners are hesitant to ask for what they need 
• Instead, needs are expressed indirectly through unhealthy means 
• Validation isn’t given, and partners don’t feel good enough 

Fulfilling Intimate Connection 

A fulfilling intimate connection is not simply about sex and the frequency of it. Rather, it’s about emotional safety, responsiveness, and mutual desire over time. It can be best understood as emotional and physical intimacy working together. Mutual fulfillment that includes a physical piece (sexual or not) is an important part of overall well-being. A marriage built on this type of connection leads to deeper trust, greater satisfaction, and increased happiness. More than anything, a strong, intimate connection means being vulnerable. 

What a Fulfilling Intimate Connection Looks Like 

With a fulfilling intimate connection, partners openly express themselves. They feel safe revealing flaws or sharing uncommon desires. When it comes to desire, it is never coerced, pressured, or weaponized. Research shows that emotional safety is a prerequisite for sexual desire.

Fulfilling intimacy includes affection outside the bedroom, such as holding hands, everyday small gestures, and playfulness. Couples with successful intimacy in their marriage talk openly and gently about needs, preferences, and often, as they can change over time. A fulfilling intimate connection reduces the risk of infidelity and emotional withdrawal.

Without a Fulfilling Intimate Connection

• Physical connection fades - touch becomes rarer. Initiations might stop altogether
• Desire becomes a source of tension 
• Vulnerability decreases, and partners stop sharing
• Partners fight more often, fueled by unmet attachment needs, or conflict is avoided altogether 
• Partners feel lonely inside their marriage