Does Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships?

It may have occurred 30, 40, or more years ago. You may not remember it much at all. And yet, childhood trauma has a way of staying with you and impacting many areas of your adult life. One area predominantly affected by childhood trauma is your relationships. In fact, a 2024 study found that childhood trauma decreases a person’s romantic relationship satisfaction.

How Does Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships?

What is Childhood Trauma?

If we go back to anyone’s childhood, it will usually provide some explanation for their behavior today, even long into adulthood. The ways in which our early caregivers interact with us, and each other, shape our view of the world and those around us. In particular, it will impact our sense of self, the way we communicate, and how we form relationships, says Kaytee Gillis, LCSW. This is attachment theory, which explains the powerful impact of early childhood relationships on an individual's social, emotional, and cognitive development.

Childhood trauma refers to highly distressing or disturbing experiences that occur during childhood. Experiences like these overpower the child’s ability to cope. 

Examples of childhood trauma include:

• Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual)
• Neglect
• Exposure to domestic violence
• Loss of a parent or other close person 
• Chronic illness
• Poverty 
• Bullying
• Racism
• Natural disaster
• Living as a refugee 
• Exposure to acts of violence in the community 

In addition, childhood trauma can be any situation where the child feels unsafe, powerless, or unsupported. Since their brain and nervous systems are still developing, traumatic experiences during childhood can leave lasting marks, affecting how they think, feel, and relate to others. 

What’s traumatic for one child may not be for another. This is because trauma isn’t just about the event itself; instead, it’s about how the child experiences it. Whether or not something remains traumatic to that child depends on how it was experienced. How they coped and/or were supported is critical. For example, a child who experiences a deeply stressful situation but is properly comforted by their caregiver could recover from the event. On the other hand, if not given support, another child could internalize that same event in a way that leaves a lasting impact, which they then carry into adulthood. 

Symptoms of Unresolved Childhood Trauma 

When childhood trauma isn’t resolved, it stays with that person into adulthood. Unresolved childhood trauma will impact behavior in unexpected ways, often unconsciously. 

Manifestations from childhood trauma often come from a learned need for self-protection or preservation, leading to emotional withdrawal, intense loneliness, and an impulse to seek out and accept, and even create, unhealthy relationship dynamics. 

Fear of Abandonment

If a child grew up with neglect, experienced loss, or was accustomed to inconsistent caregiving, they may carry deep worries into adult relationships. They might fear that their partner will leave them. This deep worry can show up either as clinginess, overanalyzing, difficulty trusting, or pushing partners away to avoid being hurt.

Ways in Which Fear of Abandonment Can Manifest in Adult Relationships: 

• Clinginess or neediness
• Jealousy or possessiveness
• Overanalyzing their partner’s behavior
• Difficulty with independence
• People-pleasing
• Avoidance or withdrawal
• Testing or sabotaging their partner’s love
• Difficulty trusting

Fortunately, these patterns can be healed with awareness, therapy, and support.

Irritation or Annoyance 

Childhood trauma might also show up as irritability or annoyance in adult romantic relationships. If a person grows up in an environment where their needs weren’t met or they had to stay on guard, their nervous system may become more sensitive to stress. As an adult, this can mean becoming easily triggered by their partner’s words, behaviors, or even small disagreements. While it might seem like a minor issue for one partner, it can stir up old feelings of being ignored, controlled, or unsafe in the other partner, leading to frustration or harsh reactions.

Ways in which Irritability or Annoyance Can Manifest in a Relationships:

• Snapping or becoming impatient with their partner over minor things 
• Getting overwhelmed when their partner requests something small of them
• Getting upset with any feedback that is less than positive or with their partner disagreeing with them
• Feeling agitated, anxious, or defensive when conflict emerges
• Failing to stay calm during misunderstandings

Requiring Too Much Independence 

Childhood trauma can cause some adults to crave greater independence and autonomy in their romantic relationships. When someone grows up feeling controlled, smothered, or unable to rely on their caregiver(s), they may protect themselves in adulthood by keeping a distance, avoiding dependence, or requiring extra space physically and emotionally. 

This can look like valuing personal freedom, being uncomfortable with too much closeness, or struggling to fully let a partner in.

Ways in which Higher Independence Can Manifest in a Relationship

• Needing a lot of personal space to process emotions and/or recharge
• Keeping your partner at arm’s length by avoiding deep conversation, not sharing much, or avoiding other forms of deep connection
• Not asking for help or wanting to lean on their partner 
• Worry over losing their independence or self-identity 
• Defensiveness when their partner tries to get closer 

Unequal Division of Labor 

Childhood trauma can make responsibility feel imbalanced in adult relationships. This is because childhood trauma can throw children into survival roles like “caretaker” or “peace-maker,” which is then brought into adult relationships. 

Ways in which Inequality of Responsibility Can Manifest in a Relationship

• A partner might take on the “parent” role, meaning they handle most everything. They “over-manage” and feel responsible for their partner’s emotions.

• A partner may take on the role of “avoider”, which means they shut down, withdraw, or rely heavily on the other to handle most things in the relationship, especially anything deemed difficult.
  A partner who grew up in a chaotic or neglectful home may give too much of themselves in their relationship, creating a codependent dynamic. They might feel the need to handle their partner’s problems while allowing their own needs to fall by the wayside. 

• On the other end of responsibility is the partner who feels dependent on the other person, never having learned healthy independence. This causes them to lean too heavily on their partner for emotional or practical support. 

• Sometimes, the imbalance of responsibility is specific to conflict management. Here, one partner does all the initiating, apologizing, or repairing after disagreements. The other person refuses to take responsibility or make an effort in the repair.
• In some cases, one partner assumes control, dominating all choices. This is taking responsibility in terms of decision-making. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, they might duck out of all decisions, fearful of making a wrong choice. 

Lack of Communication 

When someone grows up in an environment where their feelings were ignored, dismissed, or penalized, they likely did not develop healthy communication skills. 

Ways in which A Lack of Communication Can Manifest in a Relationship

• Failure to express needs and allowing them to go unfulfilled 
• Uncomfortable speaking honestly (for fear of rejection, abandonment, or conflict)
• Relying on unhealthy, indirect communication to convey their feelings, such as using passive aggressiveness, lashing out, or expecting their partner to read their mind 
• Poor listening – getting defensive, interrupting, or going on the attack

Trust Issues 

Unresolved childhood trauma can result in serious trust issues in adult romantic relationships. The person may carry with them a distrust of others due to the broken promises, neglect, betrayal, or inconsistent caregiving they experienced as a child. 

Ways in which Trust Issues Can Manifest in a Relationship

• Jealousy and suspicion through unfounded worry about cheating and betrayal. 
• Constant need for reassurance. They may repeatedly ask “Do you love me?” or “Are you mad at me?”
• Difficulty asking for help or support. They feel as though they need to do everything on their own. 
• Putting their partner through trials of loyalty by picking fights or withdrawing to see if the partner will chase after them.

• Sabotaging the relationship by intentionally doing things that will push their partner away and/or ruin the relationship before it can be fully established 
• Overmanagement and control by dictating who they talk to or what they do, as a means to prevent being abandoned.

Constant Occurrence or Avoidance of Conflict 

If you’ve grown up in a home where chaos or conflict was often present, you can grow accustomed to it. You might then recreate it in your adult relationships because it feels familiar. You may do this without realizing it. You may pick fights from minor things or escalate disagreements. Some people actually develop a need for chaos, which causes them to feel uneasy when things feel “too calm”.

In contrast, adults who experienced conflict may now work to avoid it at all costs. If you experienced constant fighting, yelling, name-calling, or violence, you might engage in people pleasing in order to keep the peace. You might withdraw any time there is a hint of conflict or hide your feelings for fear of causing an issue of some sort.

Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships

A 2014 study found that childhood emotional trauma (neglect, rejection, or emotional abuse) often has a more substantial long-term impact on adult relationships than childhood physical trauma, especially for those who also struggle with depression or anxiety. This goes against the more popular belief that physical abuse is across the board more damaging. The research does however emphasis the important role of our core psychological needs: safety, self-worth, and secure attachment, which directly shape how someone connects with partners later in life.

Another study found there is a strong correlation between experiencing childhood abuse and entering abusive relationships in adulthood (Black et al., 2010). People who experienced childhood trauma that included abuse are more likely to unwittingly enter abusive relationships as adults. Survivors of childhood abuse tend to normalize harmful behavior like control and manipulation. 

Some people who experienced childhood trauma in the form of abuse may find they are attracted to people who display similar behavior to their abusive caregiver(s). Trauma reenactment is when you enter a relationships that mimics or reinforces what you learned as a child. 

Additionally, research links childhood trauma with the development of mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression. Conditions like this can affect your relationships, especially the one with your significant other. 

The Role of Partners

There is a massive difference between people who have unresolved childhood trauma and those that have healed, whether fully or partially. Unresolved childhood trauma tends to recreate old wounds inside the adult relationship. On the other hand, healing, or healed trauma allows the relationship to become a place of growth, safety, and mutual support.

As the partner of someone who’s experienced childhood trauma you can encourage healing in a number of ways:

• Promote open communication. Ask your partner what they need from you. 
• Be mindful of their triggers and ask how you can best support them. 
• Validate them, and avoid minimizing their feelings. 
• Gently suggest therapy, whether individual or couples. 
• Don’t forget your own needs. You cannot help them if your wellbeing is suffering. 
• Support them through highs and lows, celebrate the little wins and be patient. Healing takes time. Love and encouragement can make their path easier.